How to Feel
by nikkiRA
Summary: Oneshot, LeahJasper friendship/ 'He opened his mouth to lie, and instead the truth came out. “I’ve been feeling everybody else’s emotions for so long, I forget what my own feel like.”'


The house was full, which always bothered him. It wasn't like he was exactly a social butterfly in the first place. He was too shy. Mix his general aversion to people to the different emotions flying at him left right and center, and he just couldn't take it. Jasper couldn't separate his feelings from the feelings of everybody else. He didn't know if he wanted to snatch Renesmee out of the hands of the big bag wolf like an overprotective father or if he wanted to attack Leah for making another snide comment or if he should separate Leah and Bella before they got into a fight because that would upset Esme or if he should cook for the wolves, because when was the last time they had had a proper meal? Or if he should jump Emmett's bones or jump Rosalie's bones or to get Leah away from Bella because he was pretty sure his Beta would win in a fight or if he should have worn the pink nail polish instead of the blue or if he should try harder to get Jacob's attention, he was concentrating too hard on Mommy and that mean wolf-girl or if he should tell Bella to take a fucking picture, it would last longer, and not to lift her lip and growl at him, it wasn't very attractive.

All in all, Jasper was very confused. Which was why he was sitting in the other room, closing his eyes and wishing he could just go to sleep and escape it.

The door opened and someone came in, someone who was emanating great feelings of annoyance and who was itching to fight that bitch vampire Bella and oh damn, there was one in here too.

Jasper didn't feel any of this, however. Well, he felt it, but he hadn't needed to, since Leah said all of this out loud.

"I'm so fucking annoyed right now, I wish I could fucking tear the head off that stupid bitch and then… oh damn. There's one in here, too."

Jasper let out a long, low sigh of annoyance.

"What the hell are you sighing for? I'm sure I smell a hell of a lot better then _you."_

"I didn't even notice the smell," he answered honestly. Leah took a seat on the other side of the room and brought her legs up underneath her.

"Really? Why not? Is it my new body wash? Because it was pretty damn expensive…"

"No, it's not your body wash," he said, his eyes still closed. "There's too many… emotions."

Leah looked confused for a moment, before she suddenly clued in.

"Oh yeah! You're the one who can like, feel what people are feeling, right?"

He nodded once in assent before leaning his head back, wishing she would leave. Her emotions were very strong.

"That's weird," she said. Jasper, despite not liking her very much, admired her. She could say anything she was thinking. He wished he could do this. Maybe then he could tell her to get out.

"So, what am I feeling right now?"

He finally turned to look at her. "What?"

"What am I feeling right now?"

"Shouldn't you already know?"

She shrugged. "Yeah. But how do I know if you're faking?"

"Why would I be faking?"

"I don't know. All the vamps I know tend to fake things."

"Like who?" He asked, trying very hard not to be too curious.

"Well, Bella for one. She always acts like she's so big and tough, but if I really tried to fight her, she'd back away."

"That's fake?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Who else is fake? You said all."

"Edward. He acts like he's perfectly okay with Jacob and Renesmee, but you can tell just by the look on his face and the way he acts he wants to kick Jake and me out of the house and tell us never to come back."

Jasper couldn't help but smile, a little bit.

"So, Casper-"

"Jasper."

"Whatever. What am I feeling?"

He opened up one eye and looked at her. "You're annoyed at being here. You're annoyed that Jacob always manages to convince you to come and you're annoyed that you can never tell him no. You're pissed off at Bella because she never lets Ness have any freedom and because she doesn't trust Jacob. And now you're feeling frightened that I know what you're feeling."

"I'm not _frightened!"_

Jasper shrugged. Leah seemed to realize it was useless arguing with someone who could sense her feelings and sat back.

After a few minutes of blissful silence, she spoke.

"Does it bother you? Feelings everybody's feelings?"

He didn't know what it was about Leah Clearwater that made him feel… was it comfortable? around her. All he knew was this was the first time anybody had ever asked what _he _felt about other people's feelings, whether or not he was okay with having the burden of extra emotions placed on his shoulders when he could barely handle his own. Leah Clearwater was the exact opposite of him- she was abrasive and blunt and he knew that if she were in his position, she would probably just tell everybody to shut up and stop feeling. He wished he could do that.

He opened his mouth to lie, and instead the truth came out.

"I've been feeling everybody else's emotions for so long, I forget what my own feel like."

For once in her life, Leah didn't know what to say.

Finally she got up and left the room, using the door away from where everybody else was. Jasper sighed. That was why he didn't share with people.

Leah popped her head back in the door, a scowl on her face. He immediately felt annoyed.

"Are you coming or not?"

He looked at her strangely. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see. Just come on."

Apprehensively (was that from him or her? He couldn't tell) he followed her, until finally she stopped, far away from the house.

"What can you feel right now?" She asked him. He stared.

"What?"

"Now. Can you feel your families emotions?"

He shook his head. They were too far away. Leah smiled.

"What are you feeling right now?"

He stared at her blankly. He felt a flicker of impatience.

"What are you feeling right now?"

He sighed. "Impatient. Annoyed."

"No, that's _me_. What are _you _feeling?"

He didn't understand. He shook his head. Leah sighed.

"Look, Jasper. I know a thing or two about being so burdened with feelings. I don't know what it's like having other people's feelings, but I do know what it's like having so many different emotions flowing through your body that you feel you're going to explode. So I'm trying not to feel too much, not to feel so vividly, so that you become in touch with yourself."

"Why?" Was the only thing he was able to say.

"Because I _also _know what it's like not feeling anything. I know what it's like to be numb. It's a false pretence- it doesn't make you any better. It only makes things more complicated.

"Emotions are complicated and it's a pain in the ass, having to feel like how you feel some days, but emotions are there for a reason. It's so we know we're alive."

Jasper shook his head. "I'm a vampire. I'm dead."

"That doesn't mean you have to stop living."

Jasper stared at her for a bit. Then he looked up, to the stars.

And then he let himself feel.

Leah worked hard to keep her emotions at bay. He could feel them, of course, but they were more like a little fluttering at the corner of his vision, a tiny heartbeat he could ignore. He felt awe, as he looked up at the stars- he had been all around the world, but there was still so much universe he knew nothing about. More awe, still, at Leah's ability to keep her emotions so under control- he didn't think the wild, volatile werewolf could have done it. He felt a strange calmness, away from the house, in the wild with her. Serenity overtook him, and he was struck with the desire to stay out there forever.

There was more, though. He felt hunger, especially standing next to someone with so much blood flowing through their veins. He was anxious about Alice- would she wonder where he went? She wouldn't be able to see him, with Leah here. He was worried about questions, worried about what his family would think. No one was a big fan of Leah in his house.

He looked her, standing beside him. She was smiling softly, staring up at the stars.

"How do you feel?" She asked, and there it was, another first for Jasper- he had always been so preoccupied about how everybody had felt, no one had ever stopped to wonder how Jasper felt.

He stopped. How did he feel? He felt a lot of things. Awe and disbelief and calmness and serenity and hunger and anxiety and a whole mess of other things he couldn't even define. But the thing about all those things was that they were _his _emotions. They were _his_ feelings.

He grinned for the first time in what seemed like forever, the moonlight reflecting off his porcelain skin.

"Happy."

* * *

**Leah's speech, about too much emotion and numbness?**

**Welcome to my entire adolescent life Dx**

**Lmao. -reviewwhore-  
**


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